Eid Mubarak from Bali!

Reflections of our Pilgrimage: The Hajj, July 2023

I was reflecting yesterday, as we are in the midst of another Hajj season in the Islamic calendar, that I wanted to write a blog about our pilgrimage.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to organise, because of the new online-only process for applications, but it also represented a huge milestone in our lives. Sharing our experiences, the highs and the lows feels important, as well as having it documented somewhere.

Knowing we will be moving through the day of Arafat (which was yesterday) and remembering it every year for the rest of our lives is significant for me now more than ever. It is profound and sacred, and muslims will continue to do this year after year.

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Written in August 2023 (edited today)

NB Photos best viewed on a laptop / larger screen

It’s been 18 days since we returned from Hajj. We went for 2 weeks and on my return I had some incredibly vivd dreams of still being there. I have only just started to feel more present in my body and environment as life here in the UK now feels like a dream.

I’ve been asked by so many people about my experience and Tali, my good friend, asked if I could share my experience in a podcast. I tried doing a podcast but it was quite emotional – so I didn’t complete it. But here are some thoughts which I wanted to share.  

The Hajj is the last 5 days in the last month of the Islamic lunar calendar. It is a journey that is mandatory for every muslim who can afford to do so once in their lifetime. When I was younger, I had ideally wanted to make it via foot, bicycle or train (as they had done in the last millennium), but this was not practical with my mother-in-law accompanying us. It is the largest pilgrimage on our planet with 2 million people arriving in Saudi Arabia each year from all four corners of the earth, and it is an incredible logistical operation too. It can be total chaos, and at certain points it was.

I just want to say that I believe that we are shown things to better our world. It’s an opportunity to learn and sometimes it is a call to action. And we saw many of these opportunities, from the design and implementation of the website on which you book a package, to the tour companies employed by the Ministry of Hajj to support the pilgrims. There is a lot of room for improvements to make the process better for people, but the most important learning in all of this was that this was our time to surrender and be patient.  

A nod of gratitude firstly to my dear friend, Noor, who was taking this journey at the same time as us. Without her guidance and connections this probably would not have happened. Thank you!

I also want to thank my dear sisters and nieces for their advice, for lending me clothes and hijabs and looking after Anisa while we were away. I love you all.

And Farah Ahmad for lending us 3 guides for the journey itself.

May you all be blessed abundantly.

How it all began

This year I set my intention for Hajj in Ramadan after a retreat I facilitated in Turkey, with Trivoli retreats in Fetiye. I have been to Makkah before when I took my parents in 2008 for Umrah (a mini pilgrimage). I am so grateful to have shared this blessed time with them both.

The process of booking the package has all now been transferred to being online. Before, pilgrims would book their packages with local tour companies. After Covid, the whole process was centralised to be handled by the Saudi’s. This new process felt like pot luck. Packages were released intermittently to give people options and spread the bookings over time. I had tried to login and book at 2, 3 and 4am sometimes to see if I could avoid the desperate online traffic, but the packages were snapped up as soon as they appeared. In the end, I was introduced to someone who created a bot on his machine to keep applying every few minutes. It worked! We were elated when we found out, but had no choice as to the package we had, but we were grateful that we had got one! It then took weeks before we were issued a visa – and without one, there was no guarantee we would have gone.

Our visa arrived 2 weeks before departure so we had very little time to prepare, and it was around this time we were told who our guides were. They were a company from Huddersfield and apparently were travelling with us. I had heard how some tour operators prepared their groups for every step of the way. Our guides communicated with us twice before we left and setup a WhatsApp group. One meeting was a basic guide to Hajj and the other a logistics meeting at the behest of the other group members. Both were ultimately of no use at all. The best advice we were given was to just be present in the journey and be with what showed up. Staying as connected as we can to ourselves and our creator.

When we were ready to travel, we were told that our package was “non-shifting” which meant we could leave our luggage in one hotel in Makkah and then carry just the basics we needed for the pilgrimage. We always travel light, but this was very much welcome!

We were on a transit flight which stopped in Istanbul. When we were waiting for our flight to Turkey I observed a group of muslim women who were travelling together. They were all over the age of 50 and I loved seeing them together. I helped one of them carry her bag to the plane. Once on board she came to thank me and I asked where they were going. She said they were traveling to Baghdad for their Shia pilgrimage. I wished her well feeling full and grateful in the knowledge that good people are doing good things for their own spiritual growth.

We were due to travel to Medina first, being the city of the Prophet Muhammad’s (saw) home. At the last minute our flight was cancelled and we had to land in Jeddah and take a high speed train to Medina instead. The train was super fast and quite impressive. In hindsight it was very much like the bullet train in Japan. This meant we were delayed getting in and the group was very tired.  In Jeddah I observed a lot of women working in the airport and doing a great job. I even fed back to a manger on our way back as the check-in assistant was incredibly professional and kind. 

The changing face of Saudi is real.

IDs are checked at every stage of the journey once you arrive in Saudi. Passports had to be taken for the train. It turned out that we had no guides but the group was able to self organise with some brothers helping out – Khalid and Hani were brilliant and both Arabic speakers.  Apparently those without a tour group are arrested – well that was what were told.

Medina

We finally met our guide in Medina train station who helped to get us on a coach to the hotel. The weather outside was scorchingly hot, above 40c in the desert heat. When we arrived at the hotel there was total chaos. There were no room allocations for our exhausted group. A man from the tour company with a very red face was standing at a table being yelled at. People were demoralised – as were we. Eventually, I had no choice but to ask the lady standing next to me to get me a stapler from reception so I could allocate people into rooms using a copy of the visa every one had, based on who they wanted to be with. Suleiman was the (incredibly) loud voice I needed to get people to listen and we organised the rooms for everyone. The guides then handed out the keys. People asked me if i was one of the tour operators and I said no – I was a pilgrim like them. Luckily these room allocations remained for all the hotels on our trip. The tour operator then thanked my husband for all his hard work … not a mention of me (which I wasn’t expecting tbh) but a sign of his attitude was welcome.

I have to mention a couple from Oxford, Dina and Ahmad, who we met at the hotel. They were incredibly patient and the last to request a room. He had lost his wallet on his journey and was very stoic about it. I was devastated for them, not just for their property loss but because all the rooms had been allocated and there were none left for them. I offered Dina my bed but she said no and a few minutes later, we were told about 2 spaces in the mens and women’s rooms and they were allocated a bed.

It felt good to finally have a room and a bed. My mother in law (mum) and me were allocated a ladies room with a lady we met on the plane (Baji Shabeena. Bhai = brother, Bhaji = sister), and another from Sri Lanka. Suleiman shared with 3 men: one was Baji Shabeena’s husband (Bhai Mubarak), and one was a man who was completely absent throughout their entire time sharing the room but whom they would occasionally bump into!

The next day we were taken on a Ziyarat (a historical tour of the city) by bus and connected with moments in the journey of the blessed Prophet (saw).  We were taken to date plantations, and brought the only thing people asked for – dates. We also went to some historic mosques and graveyards where companions of the Prophet (saw) were laid to rest.

We spent a further 2 days in Medina, in what I can only describe as the most peaceful place on Earth. Many pilgrims go to Medina after Makkah to recharge as it is such a spiritual and serene place. We needed this time to adjust our body clocks and recharge our batteries. The hotel was lovely with buffet food but we were conscious of over indulging – it can be too easy! But our itinerary meant we headed for Makkah for our Hajj. 

The Hajj

Makkah 

NB: Mecca is the anglicised word commonly used in English – speaking contexts. I will stick with the original.

Day 1 : As we made our way to Makkah, we set our intentions for Hajj Tamari and changed into the clothes we would wear for the duration of the 5 days of hajj. Men change into 2 sheets of unstitched cloth, and modest attire was required for women. To be as raw and dishevelled as the day you were born. No makeup, clipping of nails or hair, perfumes products, designer labels or airs and graces – just equals.  We stopped at a mosque (Masjid Aisha) and said our intentions and prayed the evening prayer. This was a difficult moment as Bhai Mubarak got lost and his wife was frantic with worry. He was finally escorted back to the bus by security and was incredibly shaken. Suleiman and Tahir (one of Suleiman’s room-mates) said they would not let him out of their sight from that moment on unless he was with his wife, and they were as good as their word.

We had a 5* hotel when we arrived in Makkah, but again, we saw it as a place to lay our heads down and hold our luggage. It was in the Clock Tower building which you can see from anywhere in Makkah and – given this is a mountainous region – that shows how huge it is, with lots of shops, other hotels and eateries.

Once we arrived, we headed straight for Umrah and began to circumvent the Ka’aba, which is the cube brick building with a black shroud and the central point for prayers across the Islamic world. It’s pretty incredible if you think about the population of muslims facing the same direction 5 times of the day from different places. There must not be a single moment of our 24 hours of existence where it doesn’t receive an energetic connection by a human being. The circumventing is known as the Taw’af and it was amazing to be at the centre of where all prayer is focused. The other thing I find profound is how the circumventing never actually stops. There is someone walking around the Ka’aba 24×7. It’s like the turning of the planet, the moon around our planet, the planets around the sun, and whatever we may never know about in our universe. Yet, here on our beautiful planet, we have people circling the Abrahamic house of god every moment of our nights and days. That is intense, and it is especially overwhelming when you first see it. Imagine a building that you see every single day of your life from as soon as you can recall. It is on prayer mats, it is in art, and not a single day goes by without you seeing it. It takes on an iconic status. And then you actually get to see it in front of your very eyes. This was the first experience for Suleiman and mum.

My mother had lent us her wheelchair for mum to use, so Suleiman pushed her as we did Taw’af in the outer building of the Ka’aba. The centre was way too crowded for us to even attempt. When we had completed 7 taw’afs, we did Sai’i.  This refers to walking back and forth between the two hills of Safa and Marwa adjacent to the Ka’aba. These 2 hills are so worn down now, you can feel a mound as you reach the ends. This walk also happens 7 times and in a rushed fashion.

The story behind this is pretty incredible. It is all about following the footsteps of a woman. Yes, folks, you heard that right – a woman. Hajar was one of prophet Abraham’s wives. He was told to get to the desert with her and their baby son. She agreed and the baby was crying so much she went in search of water. She put him on the sand and ran between 2 adjacent mountains in search of water. These 2 mountains are Safa and Marwa. As the baby kicked into the sand, water emerged and this is still available abundantly today – Zamzam. This water is considered holy and we’re given bottles to bring home as part of the Hajj package.

There is so much history in Makkah which I had no idea about. In fact, I learned while on Hajj that nothing about Hajj is related to prophet Muhammad’s (saw) life at all. He brought it all back to Abraham and just provided the guidance on what muslims are to do at Hajj as rituals. Abraham had 2 sons. Both followed their father and then Jesus and then one pathway followed Mohammed and is what is now referred to as modern day Islam. Something must be working for all these millions of people to be guided in such a way for many years. To find solace in one creator to which you have a direct connection, but in a community of great numbers.

After performing umrah, we headed back to the hotel to prepare for our next steps. We were headed to the Mina camps which are close to the plains of Arafat where the main days of Hajj take place.

Mina

The next morning, was the main day of Hajj! The most important day of our lives in the Islamic calendar – if you get the invite you make the most of it.

Arafat

Day 2 : After morning prayers, we were taken to Arafat by coach. As mum had a wheelchair we were asked to embark from the back of the coach. We all travelled as a family. When we arrived in Arafat we were in another area where tents were laid out for us. We were supposed to have been given a ticket to enter this area, but hadn’t received one on the bus – probably because we came in from the back of the bus. We asked the tour guide and he kept saying he had given them to us. He eventually got incredibly angry (not the type of guide you should have on a journey like this, as it was so triggering, especially when he pointedly directed his anger at my mother in law in the wheelchair). We stayed calm and a few minutes later, he gave us the tickets. Moments before he had told another young lady that he had given her a ticket already (he hadn’t) and that she should go back home as she couldn’t perform her hajj and left her in tears. She also got her ticket.

Once we entered the tents, we made ourselves at home – in the wrong tent. It was a bit posh and our guide got into some serious trouble for it. We were taken to another tent which was fine but had no air-conditioning or fans. We were absolutely baking! Mum shared a hand-operated fan with Baji Shabeena and I ended up sitting outside under a small tree with a little shade. This was the first time I felt deeply connected. I was still. I was on my own for around 1/2 hour and I prayed and cried deeply for many things and people.

When I went back to the tent, mum wanted to use the bathroom so I went to fetch the wheelchair. It had gone. So I went around the complex looking for it and couldn’t find it anywhere. So I asked a member of staff and said it seems the wheelchair was stolen. She said that no-one would steal the wheelchair here, but clearly it had been. I sent a text to Suleiman and he looked for it on his side and found it. It still had the airport tag on it so he recognised it immediately and we took it back. I try not to make things mean anything, but I found it highly suspicious that it had just been moved and loaded with someone’s bags. We were incredibly grateful it was found.

One of my dreams from watching Hajj over the years on the television and hearing stories from people who had been, was to walk with the other pilgrims in the desert to Mount Arafat. We were not allowed to do this, apparently because the heat was too dangerous. I was told that had I ventured out from the complex I would not be allowed back in. This upset me. It was in that moment I felt like we were being held like cattle – and I totally get how things need to be put in place to control the sheer number of people. I spoke to Dina about this and she helped me settle and said that this was just where we needed to be and we were still on the planes of Arafat. We went to her husband and Suleiman and we prayed together, for what felt like a beautiful eternity as the sun began to set. It was one of the highlights of my day where I just let go of wanting to be where I thought I should have, and accepted that this was what was destined for me. For us. On reflection, I actually wouldn’t have wanted it any other way – it would have been difficult for mum.

Muzdalifah

At the end of the day we were taken to an area to board coaches (people could walk but with an elderly person we needed a ride). It was absolute chaos. I wasn’t ready for this bit of our journey. Again, men and women were separated as the men needed to help organise the space for our group in Muzdalifah. I was with a group of people in wheelchairs and mum needed to eat. We were kept waiting until I asked the bus organiser where we were going to leave and he said in a couple of hours as there are no facilities in the desert. I tried to explain why it was important for us to move and he ignored me until I totally lost it. We were on the next bus out. Oh my guilt! I kept everything together until that one moment on one of THE most important days of my life – albeit in defence of the elderly and disabled. I’ve now come to terms with the fact that my intentions were good. The chaos of the entire space means people want to feel like they are in control to herd the pilgrims. The problem is they lose sight of individual cases. My insight: I am not in control myself. My voice is important to help move things for others, but everything was the way it was meant to be. I have to let go of rescuing and trust the divine – something I struggle with every time I see the plight of defenceless people in our world today.

When we arrived in Muzdalifah, Suleiman met us at the bus stop and we went to our little patch of carpet where we ate some food and settled for the night. This has to be one of the most intense nights of sleep I have ever had. Under the stars with floodlights and bus horns beeping, 2.5 million people settling down to sleep, and just a murmur of noise. I slept like a baby for a few hours. The air was thick and filled with something. It felt heavy yet peaceful. Like nothing I had experienced before. I felt safe, we had strangers feet and heads near ours and no-one was complaining about anything. Everyone was just too busy praying or sleeping or finding small rocks/pebbles which were needed for the next part of the journey. Some people were gathered speaking about God, some were eating communally, some were asleep. I saw no children as anyone under 15 is not allowed to make the pilgrimage. It was just so peaceful despite everything. I honestly don’t think I will experience anything of the like for the rest of my life.

Back to Mina and then Makkah

Day 3 : The next morning we headed back to our tents in Mina. The next step in the rituals of Hajj is to use the stones collected from the desert the night before to stone 3 walls which represent the devil (for me, the ego). We had been given the stones on our arrival by our tour group but it didn’t feel the same to use the pre-supplied ones so we picked our own from under the rugs we slept on. We walked with crowds after morning prayer at 5.45am to the area where we would stone the first of the 3 walls. There were 3 different walls to be pelted over 3 days. As we walked on this first day I started to spray people with water to lighten things up.

Throwing 7 stones to the large rocks which represent the devil was cathartic. There was a flow of people coming in and another coming out – we had to get in just at the right time. We all went together and were in and out as quick as we could. Some people were getting squashed because of the numbers of people but we were very mindful of where the gaps would be as people came out near the end . It felt so good to have completed this and being part of the wave of people who were passing through doing the same thing.

After day one of the stone pelting had been completed, we made our way to Makkah again by foot. It was a long walk and once we got there we did another Taw’af (we had done the Sai’i beforehand) and headed back to our rooms to shower (the best feeling!).

We didn’t really appreciate that it was Eid – it felt so different to celebrating it in the UK!  

Our final trip to Mina

Day 4 : We then headed back to Minas tents for day 2 of stone throwing.

Day 5 : Our final morning in the tent for the final day of stoning. One of the ladies had henna and asked me if I wanted some. I said yes. Nothing fancy – just how it has been done for decades. After the stoning, we headed back to Makkah for the final ritual.

 The Finale

Our exit from Jeddah airport was wonderful. It was easy and peaceful with incredibly supportive airport staff.
When we arrived at Istanbul airport, though, things went progressively downhill:

1. They confiscated any small bottles of zamzam water we were carrying and threw them in the bin. Security overload.
2. Staff refused mum her access to disabled support because we didn’t stay in the area where she was required to sit. Given we had 5 hours to wait, she understandably wanted to walk.
3. I was so angry I took a photo of the member of staff to make a complaint. He saw me take the photo and came over to take my phone. He then started yelling. As he did we headed over to the information desk and when we got there he continued to yell. I then saw another side of Suleiman which I haven’t seen before. He yelled at the man so loudly and it went so silent we could hear a pin drop! Everyone was shocked – including us. It turns out that Suleiman has the most unbelievably loud voice when he wants to use it. The next minute a member of staff gave mum the support she needed and we made our way to the plane for our flight.
4. When I was younger the respect shown to pilgrims who had come from Hajj was huge. Flowers were given and garlands were made. I remember this from when my parents went when I was around 8 years old. It feels like this has now gone in today’s day and age. I am not looking to be recognised in any way, but the awareness of the journey someone has taken does not appear to be as profound as it was with the older generation..

Coming back to the UK was like a dream. We were welcomed by family and friends in a beautiful way, and it made everything better.

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A final thought.

Why do we listen to people who shout (apart from angry sons at the airport)? Every person who raised their voice throughout this trip was heard but it was like the battle of the voices. The loudest get heard. What if we changed this approach as listeners? Could it be an option to ignore them? It’s the same in politics, or in boardroom meetings. My friend Jo said that people respond to sticks, not carrots. Surely it doesn’t have to be this way, and I know it is not too late.

I also acknowledge that the challenge is not out there. It is inside. We just don’t know any better.  

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I wanted to end this blog with a profound piece. The Farewell Sermon also known as Prophet Muhammad’s Final Sermon or the Last Sermon, is a religious speech, delivered on Friday the 9th of Dhu al-Hijjah, (6th March 632) in the Uranah valley of Mount Arafat, during the Islamic pilgrimage of Hajj. Today is the 6th June 2025, 1893 years later.

“O People! Lend me an attentive ear, for I know not whether after this year I shall ever be amongst you again. Therefore, listen carefully to what I am saying and take these words to those who could not be present here today.
O People! just as you regard this month, this day ,this city as sacred ,so regard the life and property of every Muslim a sacred trust. Return the goods entrusted to you to their rightful owners. Hurt no one so that no one may hurt you. Remember that you will indeed meet your Lord, and that he will indeed reckon your deeds.
Allah has forbidden you to take usury, therefore all interest obligation shall henceforth be waived. Your capital is yours to keep .You will neither inflict nor suffer any inequality. Allah has judged that there shall be no interest and that all interest due to Abbas Ibn ‘Aal-Muttalib be waived.
Every right arising out of homicide in pre-Islamic days is henceforth waived and the first such right that I waive is that arising from the murder of Rabiah ibni al-Harithiah.
O men! the unbelievers indulge in tampering with the calendar in order to make permissible that which Allah forbade, and to prohibit what Allah has made permissible. With Allah the months are twelve in number. Four of them are holy, there are sucessive and one occurs singly between the months of Jumada and Shaban.
Beware of Satan, for the safety of your religion. He has lost all hope that he will be able to lead you astray in big things so beware of following him in small things.
O People it is true that you have certain rights with regard to your women but they also have rights over you. Remember that you have taken them as your wives only under Allah’s trust and with His permission. If they abide by your right then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Do treat your women well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed helpers. And it is your right that they do not make friends with any one of whom you do not approve, as well never to be unchaste.
O People! listen to me in earnest, worship Allah, say your five daily prayers, fast during month of Ramadan, and give your wealth in Zakat .Perform Haj if you can afford it.
All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a White has no superiority over a Black nor a Black has any superiority over a White except by piety and good action. Learn that every Muslim is a brother to every Muslim and that the Muslims constitute one brotherhood. Nothing shall be legitimate to a Muslim which belongs to a fellow Muslim unless it was given freely and willingly.
Do not therefore do injustice to yourselves. Remember one day you will meet Allah and answer your deeds. So beware, do not astray from the path of righteousness after I am gone.
O People! No Prophet or apostle will come after me and no new faith will be born. Reason well, therefore O People! and understand words that I convey to you. I leave behind me two things, the Quran and the Sunnah and if you follow these you will never go astray.
All those who listen to me shall pass on my words to others and those to others again; and may the last ones understand my words better than those who listen to me directly.
O Allah, be my witness, that I have conveyed your message to Your people.”

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With love and best wishes for Eid and always

Hajja Mahnaz, Haji Suleiman and Anisa {small m muslims}
(My mother was the only one who ever called me hajjan and I miss her so much)

6th June 2025